Khue: Neurons Fire
"The Perfectionist and the Worker.
The Perfectionist has a lot of ideas. HER WHOLE WORLD IS IDEA. An idealist, her job is to make sure everything works as best as they can. She cleans obsessively and scrubs her laptop screen for 15 minutes before starting to write. The Worker, on the other side, wants to work. She finds working calming. The Worker is all about the production, “This is not productive, can we start working?”
“We can’t work when our screen is disgusting.”
“You’re wasting our time. Just do it.”
“Why do it at all if you’re not gonna do it right.”
“This is why you’re fat. Your lazy ass spends all day doing shit that don’t matter.”
“This is why you’re a failed artist. You don’t care about the details.”
“Fuck you and your details, you talentless pig.”
“You’ll never make it!”"
"I can’t stop them from fighting by the way. I’m sitting there letting the two voices in my head go off at one another, like my family on road trips. Don’t get me wrong, I love them. They’re part of me. I love how bipartisan they are. One side is like the ocean, yielding and washing away everything coming at them. The other is a forest fire, spreading from one to a hundred. And me, backseat, siding with everyone, which feels like a big lie because I’m not really on anyone’s side. More like I’m being pulled in different directions. I wish they would stop fighting. But then what would we talk about?
The fighting spreads to the inside of my head. It messes me up. My brain is pulled in different directions. I want to rot in bed all day but I also want to clean my room, work out, walk 10k steps, and cook 3 meals, while eating 130g of protein every day. I fast all day, against my will, then I eat a day’s worth of food in one sitting, also against my will. I can’t stop them. The voices are going at again. Half of my brain tells me to dump my boyfriend, while the other says let’s get married. Now I’m confused. Why can’t we just enjoy this while we can. Why can’t I just be here."
—Khue
"The voices constant fire at each other. Synapses spark back and forth. It’s quite cathartic watching them fight. The cacophony of their voices creates a beautiful melodic chant (for those who don’t speak the language). Unfortunately, I do, and they’re saying cruel things about me as if I’m not there. But I am. So why can’t I just stand up and shut them up. Why do I let myself get bullied by my own mind.
There are 7 billion voices speaking at once in the world, and there are 7 billions voices in your brain, and not all of them are kind, or helpful. Some of them are cruel. Some of them are meant to ruin your life. It is hard to know what’s right for you. It is hard to find your voice. I’m still on that journey, so I can’t give any advice on that, but I want to leave you with this: Life is precious. It is a miracle you are alive at all. Treasure this moment. Love what you have right now because nothing lasts forever. Just be here right now. That’s enough."