Jada & Social Anxiety:
Taking Her Colors Back
"It’s 5:30AM, I wake up groggy and can barely keep my eyes open enough to get dressed. I finally gather my school supplies and head out to the bus. In my mind, I’m excited to go to school. I know that i’ll get to socialize with the other kids and have fun at recess. It’s kindergarten. And at first, I was that bright child. I remember telling my teacher with bright eyes and smiling with my chubby cheeks that I could count to 100. Not too long after this, my reality changed. I went to school terrified, unable to open my mouth anymore. It felt like there was a zipper on my mouth. I was no longer socializing with the other kids. I remember all throughout elementary school just bursting into tears because of how alone I felt. How dark it felt to be unable to express myself. This became my reality, even now at 27 years old."
"What changed that day in kindergarten? Well, my childhood became traumatic. That was the beginning of me developing complex-PTSD. Through the darkest season of my life, my self esteem plummeted and I felt as though something was wrong with me. I thought no one would ever like me, love me, or want to be my friend. This was clearly low self esteem and a broken trust for others, but as a 5 or 6 year old, I had no idea how to deal with these emotions. My nervous system simply shut down and went into survival mode. My mind figured it’s better to stay quiet and never connect with anyone ever again so that I won’t be hurt."
"The words move through my mind, but I feel like they won’t come out. Oh how badly do I want to share my thoughts, ideas, and dreams. I’ve always been known as the quiet girl— asked “why don’t you talk?” more than I’ve been asked what my name is. And nothing induces anxiety more than this— because deep down, I know who I am, I just struggle opening up and showing the world who the woman is."
"I feel like a joyful, bright, colorful person on the inside. Like a rainbow in human form roaming the earth. I love people and I actually love to talk. Of course, there are my few that I literally cannot shut up around. But around most of the world, I’ll be sitting around others feeling like I’m drowning, like everything around me is black and white. This is a big reason, the main, why my photography is so bright and vibrant. I feel like I finally get to express my soul through my work. Sometimes i’ll feel frozen in time while I hear the voices of others building connections, laughing, and chatting— while I feel like i’m being left behind. How do I communicate my spirit to the world? Will anyone ever believe me? Can I ever break out of the mold, this shell that my mind has created for protection? Will people look at me like I’m crazy if I’m outgoing all of a sudden from healing the broken inner child within me? Will they still want to be my friend if I don’t talk enough? These are the thoughts the run through my valleys in my mind.
I wish that this was a story of complete triumph. This is not to discount all the growth that i’ve had over the years and the things that i’ve still been able to accomplish despite the hell that i’ve been through. I still consider myself incredibly blessed and privileged in many ways. Jada in kindergarten would never believe that now we’re taking photos of people for a living, singing on stages, and acting in plays. She wouldn’t believe how many people want to be her friend and find her interesting. But right now, in this season in my life, I am struggling, a lot. It’s even held me back with my art, as I solely take photos of people… and I have to speak to people to photograph them."
