Catharsis Mental Health Series
Living with BPD
Kali's Story
In Kali's Words
"BPD is like living with the most intense feelings you’ve ever had, 100% of the time. Your highs are the highest you’ve ever been. Life could never be better, you could reach up & touch the heavens. Your lows are the lowest low you will ever feel. Life could never be worse than this, you have no hope of going on, and nothing will ever get better. With such intense emotions, it’s hard to differentiate what’s real and what isn’t. All that matters is how you feel and how something made you feel.
It’s like living with two people inside of your body. One is the most logical and caring person you’ve ever met and the other is an insecure demon who feels like everyone has the worst intentions for you. You misinterpret their true intentions and all your emotions tell you is that they did it to hurt you. It’s like living on a roller coaster of emotions that you’re strapped into & can never get off. It’s having self destructive tendencies because you are ruled by your own emotions & you don’t want to feel this way. It’s like wanting to be someone else and rip off your own skin because you sometimes don’t understand why you are like this.
I struggled the most with my BPD as a teenager and coming into my adulthood. I never understood why life for me was so black and white sometimes. I ruined relationships and caused arguments and hurt people I loved. I caused people I love to feel like I don’t understand their true feelings because mine were the only ones that mattered. I struggle with my own self image because my emotions rule my brain and I see all of the best & worst attributes of myself constantly.
This shoot is so near & dear to my heart because it captured the two sides of me. One is lost and hopeful and looking for salvation. The other is the monster that lives under my skin and takes over on my lows. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve been retraining my brain to self regulate and not let my highs sore and my lows drag me to the trenches.”
Becoming the Werewolf
The turbulence of emotion that comes with having Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) lent itself to that of werewolf folklore, in my eyes—almost even Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. This idea of living with two selves—your most evolved, loving self, and the self that holds and deals out your pain to you and those around you. Being diagnosed with BPD is challenging in this way because that second part within can turn at any moment with such a ferocity that is hard to overcome. It's not only a battle during, but one that continues in the coming down from an episode; living with what was said or done can be harder than the rage itself and left me with the most empathy for Kali and those that struggle with BPD. It's a widely misunderstood and oftentimes, misdiagnosed mental illness that isn't talked about enough. In creating this concept, it is the hope of both Kali and me that new conversations can arise around BPD—and for anyone that has this condition to feel seen and to feel even more loved through it.